001 » Tobias
Jan. 12th, 2009 04:11 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
tobianass.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
dumpingsNow that my sister is officially 139 years old, I've decided to allow her to begin dating.
There are a few rules to remember, however~
1) Feel free to touch my sister, really. I've been dying to use that set of kitchen knives I got for my birthday on something other than meat.
2) You make her cry. I make you cry.
3) I'm sure you've been told that sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Now, let me clarify. While dating my sister, anything and everything you try is hazardous to your health. I am the barrier, and I will kill you. ♥
4) Don't complain while you're waiting for her. If you are bored, scrub the toilets.
5) Bring her home late, and you will wake up inside the shed.
6) Shirts must be worn inside your pants, and pants must be worn above your waist. If they do not fit properly, I'll gladly secure them with my stapler gun.
7) The following places are not appropriate for a date with my sister: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my sister to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. You wanted romance? You should have read a book.
8) To avoid any problems, I have already annexed a security camera to an unspecified place in your body. Should that camera see the light, you will be loosing a very important part of your anatomy.
9) Keep your hands to yourself. You wouldn't want to wake up missing a few body parts, now would you?
10) There is nothing wrong with riding matching penny-farthings around the local police station parking lot while remaining three arm-lengths apart followed by a quiet picnic lunch in the hallway. (With me there, of course. I enjoy peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Bring some.)
11) While you're still reading this, let me tell you a little story. A century or so ago, I accidentally bashed my little sister in the face with a cleaver. Blood was everywhere; luckily, she was already dead so this did not pose a problem for her. However... My dear, dear, pure-minded potential brother/sister-in-law, please remind yourself of this small, tragic accident as you gaze into her eyes, for I am a century older and stronger, and said cleaver is still in my stash. ♥
12) I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my sister. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my sister, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.
13) Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a kind, neurotic pushover, but on issues relating to my sister, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. As mentioned above, I have a cleaver, a set of kitchen knives, and carnivorous toilet monsters in my house who have not been fed in a good, long while.
14) If you pull into our driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as hell not picking anything up.
15) You do not touch my sister in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. Should they go lower than that, I will gladly gauge your eyes out to avoid any further incidents. ♥
16) In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, cars, chicks, and other things normal teenagers talk about. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my sister safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
17) Be afraid. Be very afraid. I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, and it will take very little for me to see you as an immediate threat to my relationship with my sister. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my sister home safely and early, then return to your car --there is no need for you to come inside. The face you see at the window is mine.
18) Want to get married with her in the future? Lovely. Wait until she is Jude's age. ♥
19) My sister can not date the following things: Anti-Christs, men, countries, men, aliens, men, ghosts, men, corpses, men, zombies, men, humans, men, women, men, anything that breaths, men, anyone who is not named Tobias Julian Dark, kkthx.
20) You must fill out the following application before dating my sister:
There are a few rules to remember, however~
1) Feel free to touch my sister, really. I've been dying to use that set of kitchen knives I got for my birthday on something other than meat.
2) You make her cry. I make you cry.
3) I'm sure you've been told that sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Now, let me clarify. While dating my sister, anything and everything you try is hazardous to your health. I am the barrier, and I will kill you. ♥
4) Don't complain while you're waiting for her. If you are bored, scrub the toilets.
5) Bring her home late, and you will wake up inside the shed.
6) Shirts must be worn inside your pants, and pants must be worn above your waist. If they do not fit properly, I'll gladly secure them with my stapler gun.
7) The following places are not appropriate for a date with my sister: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my sister to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. You wanted romance? You should have read a book.
8) To avoid any problems, I have already annexed a security camera to an unspecified place in your body. Should that camera see the light, you will be loosing a very important part of your anatomy.
9) Keep your hands to yourself. You wouldn't want to wake up missing a few body parts, now would you?
10) There is nothing wrong with riding matching penny-farthings around the local police station parking lot while remaining three arm-lengths apart followed by a quiet picnic lunch in the hallway. (With me there, of course. I enjoy peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Bring some.)
11) While you're still reading this, let me tell you a little story. A century or so ago, I accidentally bashed my little sister in the face with a cleaver. Blood was everywhere; luckily, she was already dead so this did not pose a problem for her. However... My dear, dear, pure-minded potential brother/sister-in-law, please remind yourself of this small, tragic accident as you gaze into her eyes, for I am a century older and stronger, and said cleaver is still in my stash. ♥
12) I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my sister. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my sister, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.
13) Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a kind, neurotic pushover, but on issues relating to my sister, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. As mentioned above, I have a cleaver, a set of kitchen knives, and carnivorous toilet monsters in my house who have not been fed in a good, long while.
14) If you pull into our driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as hell not picking anything up.
15) You do not touch my sister in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. Should they go lower than that, I will gladly gauge your eyes out to avoid any further incidents. ♥
16) In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, cars, chicks, and other things normal teenagers talk about. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my sister safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
17) Be afraid. Be very afraid. I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, and it will take very little for me to see you as an immediate threat to my relationship with my sister. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my sister home safely and early, then return to your car --there is no need for you to come inside. The face you see at the window is mine.
18) Want to get married with her in the future? Lovely. Wait until she is Jude's age. ♥
19) My sister can not date the following things: Anti-Christs, men, countries, men, aliens, men, ghosts, men, corpses, men, zombies, men, humans, men, women, men, anything that breaths, men, anyone who is not named Tobias Julian Dark, kkthx.
20) You must fill out the following application before dating my sister:
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY SISTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,
and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
______________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY SISTER" mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend ___________________________________________________
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
______________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
______________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the:
______________________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
______________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
______________________________________________________________
F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
GAME OVER, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND ETERNAL DAMNATION.
_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name ♥)
_______________________________
Mother's Signature
________________________________
Father's Signature
_______________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi
________________________________
State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing. ♥
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do
not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would
cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
notified via instant death.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-01-12 08:27 am (UTC)Why?
no subject
Date: 2009-01-12 08:30 am (UTC)And there are only 20 rules in there, dammit.no subject
Date: 2009-01-12 08:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-12 08:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-12 08:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-12 08:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-12 08:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-12 08:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-12 08:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-12 09:02 am (UTC)